That Jesus Fellow is a Democrat

The Republican party is clearly GOD'S PARTY, and its membership includes all good, God-fearing, red-blooded AMERICANS.  This is FACT.  I'm not making it up.  George W. Bush talked to God, Republicans hate abortion because God hates abortion, Republicans support privatization because they hate GODLESS SOCIALISTS.  They hate taxes partly because they hate GODLESS SOCIALISTS and partly because GOD HELPS PEOPLE WHO HELP THEMSELVES, like the very wealthy.  You can tell the the Republican party is GOD'S PARTY because the states that persistently vote Republican are full of GOD-FEARING AMERICANS.  It's only godless atheists in cities (which are clearly bad, because that's where Cain went after he killed Abel) that vote for Democrats.  


This sort of jingoistic Christian rhetoric seems to be the subtext of Republican popularity, but the more I think about it, the more I think that Jesus would think the Republican party is a bunch of assholes.  


Take for example the Republicans' theory that the rich deserve every penny of their hard-earned money.  What does Jesus say?  "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth...For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matthew 6.19-21).  Wealth redistribution?  Consider the story of the loaves and the fishes, in which Jesus steals peoples' lunch and gives it to the whole crowd.  


What about, "If you wish to be perfect, go, sell your possessions, and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven...Truly I tell you, it will be hard for a rich person to enter the kingdom of heaven...Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God" (Matthew 19.21-24).  In this last, Jesus clearly is arguing that righteousness is dependent on the wealthy providing for the poor.  This sounds suspiciously like raising taxes on the rich to provide, say, unemployment, health care, public education, et cetera, to the poor.  


Unemployment?  Social safety net?  In the beginning of the next chapter of Matthew (20-16), the landowner sounds suspiciously like he's providing wages that aren't merit based.  Apparently, in Jesus' parables, God doesn't help those who help themselves.  He helps everyone.  


Universal health care?  The entire book of Matthew is full of Jesus healing the poor FOR FREE.  In Matthew 10.8, he says "Cure the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers, cast out demons.  You received without payment; give without payment."  JESUS SUPPORTS SOCIALIZED MEDICINE.  


War?  Torture?  Extraordinary renditions?  "You have hear that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.'  But I say to you, do not resist an evildoer.  But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other also..." and "But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous" (Matthew 5.38-39, 44-45).  


Sure,  the Republicans have false piety, abortion, and hating fags on their side, but literally all of their major policies contradict the policies that Jesus said we should follow.  The Republican party is basically the Pope in that bit from The Brothers Karamazov in which the Pope meets Jesus and tells him that the church is going to have to do away with Jesus because he undermines everything the church is built on.  As effective as they may be at rallying a strong Christian constituency around the issues of abortion and gay-bashing, Jesus and Republican policy have very little in common, because Jesus supports wealth redistribution, universal healthcare, and pacifism.  


Now if only the Democrats could hit the slow-pitch softball that Jesus through at them out of the park...